How to Flirt Over Text: 6 Moves That Work and 5 Mistakes That Ruin Everything

Flirting over text is the art of creating light romantic tension with words. A well-built conversation sparks interest, keeps up the intrigue and makes the other person think about you between messages. The key is finding the balance between interest and mystery, and using actual techniques instead of winging it. If you want to figure out what even counts as flirting, start with what is flirting.

Why flirting over text is hard

The first problem: there are no nonverbal signals in a text. You can't see their reaction, hear their tone or feel the vibe. People often quote the rule that communication is "55% body language, 38% tone of voice, 7% words," but that's a misreading: psychologist Albert Mehrabian only studied how people read someone's attitude from a single word said in different tones. The core idea still holds, though. When voice and facial expressions disappear, words have to do a lot more of the work.

The second: fast replies create false intimacy. People start sharing very personal things too early and kill the intrigue. And an instant reply to every message doesn't look like interest, it looks like desperation.

The third trap is predictability. Most people send the same things: "How are you?", "You're really pretty," "What are you up to?" Messages like that drown among all the similar ones and don't make anyone feel anything.

Step 1. An intriguing first message

Forget "Hey, how are you?" Start with an observation or a question worth thinking about. Study their profile and find a detail you can say something original about.

• "I see Murakami in your photo. Which of his novels hooked you the most?"
• "Interesting tattoo on your wrist. Is there a story behind it?"
• "You look like someone who knows the best coffee shops in town. Am I right?"

Each of these shows you're paying attention and gives the person a reason to talk about something that matters to them. Save compliments on their looks for later: in a first message, they make you just another admirer instead of an interesting person to talk to. For more ready-made openers, see how to start a conversation with a guy over text and how to start a conversation with a girl.

Step 2. Emotional push and pull

Push and pull means alternating light teasing with genuine interest. First you tease a little, then you show that you appreciate the person. That back-and-forth is what creates tension.

• Tease: "Bet you're the type who orders the most complicated coffee on the menu." Support: "Though that means you know what you want. That's cool."
• Tease: "Judging by your photos, you're either a professional traveler or really good at faking it." Support: "Kidding, you can tell you genuinely love discovering new places."

The important part is not to slide into anything hurtful or hit a sore spot. Tease about small stuff: habits, tastes, funny quirks. You learn fastest where the comfort line is by talking to lots of very different people.

Step 3. Questions that reveal who someone is

A boring question gets a boring answer. Instead of "How was your day?", ask about motives, feelings, dreams. The goal is to understand what drives the person, not to get a report on what happened.

Questions like these make people think and give you material for a deeper conversation. The person feels that you're interested in them, not in their stats. For even more questions, see what to talk about with a girl.

Step 4. Unfinished stories

Don't tell your stories all the way through. Leave some intrigue. It's the unfinished-task effect: the other person's mind will keep coming back to your message, trying to guess how it ends.

Had the funniest thing happen at a café today with the waiter and my order. I ended up getting something totally different from what I asked for, and it turned out to be the best decision of my day. By the way, do you believe in coincidences?

As a kid I was terrified of this one toy at a store. I know it's silly now, but back then... Did you have any weird childhood fears?

This works because it shifts the focus from your story to the other person's experience and leaves them wanting the details later. If the conversation keeps going, you can come back to the unfinished topic.

Step 5. Shared "secrets" and inside jokes

Nothing brings people closer like shared secrets and hints only the two of you get. Find a funny moment in the conversation and turn it into your inside joke. You'll get that feeling of a special connection.

For example, if they admitted they always get lost in malls, you could write: "So, did you make it out of the mall alive?" or "Sending you a virtual compass in case you're heading to the mall."

Shared "secrets" grow out of swapping slightly personal things: "Confession: sometimes I eat ice cream for breakfast. Do you have any weird food habits?" Reveals like this should be light, not intimate.

Step 6. Compliments with a twist

Ordinary compliments about looks are boring and predictable. Compliments on personality, actions and unusual qualities are what work. They show you see more in the person than a picture.

• "You have such an interesting way of seeing things. Talking to you makes me look at stuff from a different angle."
• "Your love of travel is contagious. I already want to pack a backpack."
• "I love the way you tell stories. It's like you take me right there."

Don't compare the person to others, and don't throw around superlatives for no reason. "You're the most beautiful girl ever" sounds fake, while "your smile is warm even through a screen" is specific and real. For more on giving compliments in your own words, see compliments for a girl.

Five mistakes that kill flirting

1. You're too availableReplying instantly to every message, always being online, dropping everything for the chat: it all says you don't value your own time.
2. Getting intimate too earlyCompliments on someone's body, hints about sex and very personal questions in the first few days scare most people off. Sexuality should grow naturally out of flirty tension, not replace it.
3. Vague plans"We should hang out sometime" sounds unsure. Suggest something specific: "Are you free Saturday after three? I know a great contemporary art exhibit." For how to do this without awkwardness, see how to ask someone on a date.
4. Missing the signs they're not interestedOne-word replies, long pauses, a formal tone: these are signals it's time to back off. Pushing harder in that situation only makes things worse.
5. Talking about exesComparisons with past partners and complaints about failed relationships early on interest no one. Talk about the present and the future.