How to Start a Conversation With a Girl: 4 Openers Better Than "Hey, What's Up"

Why "hey" falls flat

She gets a message: "Hey." Who is this? Why is he writing? What do you even say back, "hey" too? Now she has to invent a conversation with a stranger. Women on dating apps get dozens of messages like that a day, and they usually reply to the people who are easier to talk to.

"How's it going?" isn't much better: it has a short answer, and after that you're back to nothing.

What a first message that works is made of

1. A sign you're writing to her specifically. Her name, a detail from her photo, the place you saw each other. A message you could send to anyone is obvious right away.
2. A hook that's easy to answer. A question, an opinion, a request to settle something. She should know what to write back.
3. Short. Two or three sentences. A long letter to a stranger demands an equally long reply, and it's easier to put off.

What doesn't belong in a first message: your bio ("I'm 27, I'm a developer, I like sports"), a compliment on her looks and an explanation of why you're writing. All of that is either unnecessary or puts pressure on her.

Four openers that work

1. Shared contextYou were at the same place, in the same group chat, at the same event. "Hey, Lena! At the space lecture you sat in the front row and were the only one laughing at the speaker's jokes. Be honest: were they actually funny?"
2. A profile detail that isn't her looksA book in her photo, a city, a dog, a line from her bio. "There's The Master and Margarita in your photo with a bookmark halfway through. Did you finish it, or get stuck on Pontius Pilate like everyone else?"
3. An opinion instead of a questionSay something she can agree with or argue against. "I see you like mountains too. My take: Elbrus is overrated, the Khibiny aren't (those are Russia's highest peak and a small Arctic range, for the record). Ready to defend that."
4. Honest directnessWhen there's no reason, say so and take the pressure off. "I didn't come up with a clever first message, you just seemed interesting. If you're not up for chatting, that's totally fine, no need to reply." It works because it's honest and asks for nothing.

What not to do

• Compliment her looks in the first message. She hears "you're really beautiful" all the time, and there's nothing to say back except "thanks." Compliments that actually work are in compliments for a girl.
• Ask three questions at once. "How are you? What do you do? Where are you from?" is a questionnaire. She'll answer one, or none.
• Apologize. "Sorry to bother you" makes the conversation awkward from the start. You're not bothering anyone, you're offering to talk.
• Copy the same message to twenty girls. A template is easy to spot, especially when there's not a single detail in it.

What to do if she didn't reply

Silence usually means "busy," not "no." She read it on the subway, planned to reply that evening and forgot. After a day or two you can write again, with a new hook, not "did you get my message?" For example: "By the way, I finished that book last night. The ending let me down, I want to hear your take."

One follow-up is normal. Two or more is pressure. And don't tack on bits to your first message: "Oh well," "Guess it's not meant to be," "Ok." That reads worse than silence.

When she replies

Now the job is not to fumble the second move. Pick up a detail from her reply instead of asking a new, unrelated question. She writes: "Yep, stuck on Pilate, third time starting it." You could say: "Third time? So something keeps pulling you back. What is it?" From there, what to talk about with a girl and conversation topics with a girl will come in handy.

How to practice

The hardest part of a first message is not knowing: you can't tell why she didn't reply. On my-idol.ru you can try all four openers on characters with different personalities: an open, enthusiastic one, a prickly perfectionist, a shy one who takes her time to answer, a cold celebrity who's hard to impress. You get a reaction right away and can see which opener worked and which didn't. It's practice, not a replacement for a real conversation, but it takes some of the nerves out of it.