What Is Flirting: Three Signs, Five Styles and How to Tell It From Being Nice

Three signs, without which it's not flirting

1. A specific personYou flirt with one person, not with the room. A joke for the whole group is just humor. The same joke said quietly to one person is a different story.
2. A second layerOne thing is said, another is meant. "You're wearing that sweater again" can mean "I like you in it."
3. A way outThe other person can respond only to the literal meaning, and nobody loses face. "Yep, it's my warmest one," and the topic closes with no awkwardness.

Why flirting speaks in hints

A direct "do you like me?" puts you both on the spot. If the answer is no, it's going to be awkward to stay friends, work together or even share an elevator. A hint leaves room to pretend nothing happened. Psychologists Steven Pinker, Martin Nowak and James Lee put it this way: indirect speech protects the relationship you already have in case the new one doesn't work out.

An everyday example: a coworker says, "Want to grab coffee after work sometime?" If you're not interested, you can say "Sure, once we wrap up the project," and that commits you to nothing. Nobody said no, and nobody got rejected.

One situation, five replies

He texts: "Missed my train, sitting at the station waiting for the next one." Here's how she might reply:

• Politeness: "Sorry to hear that, hope it's not a long wait."
• Friendliness: "Haha, classic. Grab a coffee from the machine, I think it's decent."
• Coquetry: "Poor thing :) I'm bored too, I could keep you entertained"
• Flirting: "If I'd known you'd be free for a whole hour, I'd have come to that station myself."
• A direct proposal: "Hey, want to go on a date once you get back?"

Coquetry differs from flirting in that it doesn't need a specific person or any follow-through. It's playing for the sake of playing, a way to show off. Flirting is looking for a response from this particular person.

Flirting or just being friendly?

People mix them up all the time. Back in 1982, psychologist Antonia Abbey ran an experiment where people watched a conversation between a man and a woman. Male observers were more likely than women to read the woman's ordinary friendliness as flirting. Smiles, attention and jokes are signs of a good mood, not necessarily of interest.

The baseline rule helps: compare it to how the person acts with everyone else. If they smile at everyone like that, it's just their personality. If it's only you, that's more interesting. More on reading signals in text in what the Russian bracket smiley means.

A quick test for texting

1. Was this message written to me personally, or could anyone have gotten it?
2. Does it have a second meaning beyond the literal one?
3. Can I reply to just the literal meaning without things getting awkward?

Three yeses: it's most likely flirting. No second meaning: it's friendliness. No way out: it's already a direct proposition.

The five flirting styles

In 2010, researcher Jeffrey Hall identified five styles. Almost everyone has a dominant one, and it's useful to know yours so you understand why people don't always pick up on your signals.

• TraditionalThe man makes the first move, the woman waits. Slow and predictable, but the signals can be too quiet.
• PhysicalEye contact, touch, body language. It has the hardest time over text, where it gets swapped for voice notes and photos.
• SincereDeep conversations, interest in feelings. Warm, but sometimes it comes across as friendship.
• PoliteCaution, rules, no pushiness. Safe, but the other person might not realize it's flirting.
• PlayfulTeasing, jokes, a light touch. Fun, but often taken as not being serious.

How it sounds over text

• Sincere: "You're the only person I've told about that fear. And I didn't feel embarrassed. That's rare."
• Playful: "You sent me a food pic at 11pm again. Is this a conspiracy against my figure?"
• Polite: "If you happen to be in the mood, there's a festival on the waterfront Saturday. I'll be there from three."

What all three have in common: they show attention to the person, not to their looks. Flirting through details works better than "you're pretty." For more techniques, see how to flirt with a guy and how to get someone interested over text.

When flirting stops being flirting

• When the person has clearly said no and the hints keep coming. The other side's way out has been shut.
• When one person depends on the other: a boss and an employee, a teacher and a student. It's hard to say no without consequences, so there's no way out.
• When the hints keep getting more explicit even though you're not reciprocating.

In all these cases it's pressure, not flirting. If you're on the receiving end, take a look at how to say no politely.

Where to practice

Flirting is a skill, and you can learn it. On my-idol.ru there are characters who each flirt in their own way: a sly fox priestess, a cocky sorcerer, a sharp-tongued god of mischief. You can try all five styles on them and see what they respond to.