How to Get a Girl to Like You: The Second Question Rule

The second question rule

Everyone asks the first question: "What do you do?", "Where are you from?", "How was your weekend?". That's politeness, and it says nothing about interest. You can ask those off a script without listening to a single answer.

You can't ask the second question off a script. It hooks onto her words and proves the main thing: you were listening. In the 2017 Harvard study, people liked conversation partners who asked more questions, and it was specifically the follow-ups that worked, not jumps to a new topic. The other person feels understood and genuinely interesting.

• "I work in logistics"First question: "Where?" Second: "So if something goes missing from a store, that's on you?"
• "I went to Kazan for the weekend"First: "How was it?" Second: "Work trip or did you just take off? Are you the type who just takes off?"
• "I used to draw"First: "What did you draw?" Second: "Used to, as in you quit, or you just don't show anyone?"
• "I'm tired today"First: "What happened?" Second: "Tired like after a good day, or like after one you'd rather forget?"

The second question doesn't have to be witty. It has to be about her, not about the fact.

On the date: four things that make the difference

1. Ask, and share backNothing but questions turns a date into a job interview. After she answers, add a piece of yourself of the same weight: she told you about a trip that fell through, so share yours, not longer and not cooler. That's how Arthur Aron's famous experiment works: strangers took turns answering increasingly personal questions and after 45 minutes felt closer than people who'd made small talk. The secret is the steps. Openness grows gradually and on both sides.
2. Don't play Mr. PerfectBack in 1966, psychologist Elliot Aronson showed that a brilliant person who suddenly spills coffee on himself is more likeable than an equally brilliant person with no blunder. There's an important catch: it works for someone who's otherwise confident. Don't drop your fork on purpose, but don't hide that you got lost on the way there either. Laughing at yourself is fine.
3. Think about her, not about the impressionThe most common mistake is monitoring how you come across mid-conversation. Your head is busy with your next line and you miss what she's saying. Keep one detail from her last answer in mind, something you can pull on. If there's no such detail, you weren't listening. Ask again.
4. Leave on a high noteA date that ends on an upswing is remembered better than one that fizzled out by hour three. "I've got to go, but we didn't finish talking about Kazan," and you've got a ready-made reason to text tomorrow.

Over text, the rule works even better

A messenger has no voice and no eye contact, so words are the only way to show you're paying attention.

• Reply to the last thing she said, not to things "in general." She sent a photo of a lopsided cake? Talk about the cake, not "how was your day?".
• Bring details back. "So, did you finish that report that was driving you crazy?" a couple of days later beats any compliment. It's the same follow-up, just delayed.
• Texting is a bridge, not a replacement for meeting. If you've been trading long messages for a week and still haven't suggested getting together, the interest cools. How to ask without pressure is in our piece on how to ask a girl out.
• Don't play busy. Replying three hours later "so you don't look too eager" is usually easy to see through. Write when you have something to say.

An example. She writes: "Work was a total circus today, I'm still in shock." Weak reply: "Haha, happens, I'm swamped too." Better reply: "What kind of circus, clowns or lion tamers? Spill, I'm emotionally prepared." There's nothing genius about the second one. It's just about her.

What not to do

• Read out your résumé: car, job title, gym. She's not hiring, she wants to know what you're like to talk to.
• Agree with everything. A guy with no opinions isn't threatening, but he isn't interesting either. Gently disagreeing is conversation too.
• Fire off compliments in a row. One precise compliment beats five generic ones. How to make it precise: see our piece on compliments for a girl.
• Talk about exes, good or bad. It pulls the conversation into a past she isn't part of.
• Test her with silence. Going quiet on purpose so she'll "miss you" is a lottery you usually lose.

Checklist for before and after the date

Before the date, remember three things she told you over text and plan a second question about one of them. Have one story of your own ready, about two minutes long. Not a heroic feat, something funny or weird. Pick a place where you can talk instead of shouting over the music. And decide in advance what you'll suggest if things go well.

After, text her that same evening, short, with a callback to your conversation. Not "had a great time, you're awesome," but "still thinking about your boss and the hamster." Want to see her again? Name a specific day. And to figure out whether she's into you, check out how to tell if a girl likes you.

Where to practice the second question

The skill sounds simple, but in a real conversation, when you're nervous, it's the first thing to go. It's worth practicing where a clumsy line costs nothing. On my-idol.ru, the girl characters answer in character and don't carry the conversation for you: if you're asking questions off a list, it shows right away in their replies.